San Mateo Daily Journal – December 13, 2022
Estranged. It is an odd sort of word. One definition: “having lost former closeness and affection; a state of alienation.” Sitting with a group of people at a gathering, someone says “I just don’t understand. He hasn’t seen his uncle in years and refuses to see him. Whatever happened before, it’s the holidays, family, right?” A few people listening indicate agreement. I’ve been in the room around such conversations over the last 50 years. A few people tried to “patch up” whatever it was that caused my estranged relationship. And the person with whom I was estranged asked to see me a few times. I said ,”No.” Right now, someone reading this is judging me, thinking there’s nothing another can do that could ever cause permanent separation by choice, family always trumps any misdeed. If you are thinking exactly that you are blessed to have never experienced what too many in this world have gone through.
As the holidays approach our hearts ache thinking about the chairs that no one would choose to leave empty. Violence, cancer, age, natural disasters, heart attacks, COVID-19, and so many other causes rip people out of our lives and leave those empty chairs. We also look out onto the streets and see the lost and lonely, wandering with their shopping carts, sleeping in alleys and underpasses, and we wonder why. Some blame the wanderers, or blame their families, again perhaps, having been blessed to have never experienced what too many in this world have gone through.
Others see holiday seasons like this as crushingly painful and, isolating themselves, refuse any invitations to fill extra seats at people’s tables. Perhaps they find themselves in a place that is so dark they are afraid of spreading that darkness to others. Others are in a place of true comfort with their own company, perhaps for the first time, and want to experience this holiday by themselves. “No, I just want to have a quiet Christmas at home.” Some may question their decision and those questioning may be blessed to have never experienced a need for isolation or may never have experienced the bliss of self acceptance and comfort.
During holiday times still others seek out opportunities to serve, cooking giant meals for folks who are in need, gathering with other people and discovering the joy of seeing a small child beam with happiness as her father holds her in his arms and lets her choose exactly what she wants on her plate. In the many years my husband and I cooked a homeless meal for upwards of 150 people, one of our rules was making sure that we offered a lot of choices to our guests. One volunteer at one meal got upset at how “picky” one guest was about what would be on her plate. If you’ve lived an adult life where you were always able to choose what you would have for a meal, and never had to simply accept what you got, you’ve been blessed to never experience what too many in this world have gone through.
Many see holiday seasons like this as opportunities to fill some extra seats at their table, inviting newcomers in their midst, folks who might not be able to gather with families of blood, workmates, dog walking companions, pickleball partners, community of faith neighbors, bowling league teammates, students, military folks stationed far from home, all kinds of people who can bring new experiences, stories, jokes, and exotic new potluck dishes and old standbys like string bean casseroles and jello molds. If you’ve never been one of those invited to such a gathering, or you’ve never hosted such a gathering, you may have missed out on what so many in this world have been blessed with! And still others, blessed to have just the right number in their homes and maybe a friend or two, simply enjoy the holidays and say a prayer for those who can not. And finally, some find the whole season an annoyance, humbug.
As you’re reading this I know that right now, last year, 20 years ago, you can see yourself somewhere in these situations, whether you’ve directly experienced them or you’ve witnessed others going through them, whether you’ve judged or been judged. I’ve been in most of them. The bad news is that some of them hurt like hell. The good news is that there can be light, a bright shining star if we are able to spot it and follow it like the Magi. Though you may be estranged from some, there are other healthy relationships just waiting to flower. Jello casseroles, exotic dishes, family, old and new friends are all blessings that await most of us if we want. Your job? Be you and DO you, wherever you are.