by Craig Wiesner – San Mateo Daily Journal – December 30, 2024
DE-Regulation 401-3.14h Program to Reduce Forms and Other Documents Program (PRFODP): The Department of Efficiency Department (DOED) hereby issues this DE-regulation which takes effect immediately and replaces any regulations previously promulgated unless such regulations have sunset dates subsequent to or prior to the date this DE-regulation was first distributed in draft form. All supervisors shall print this regulation, providing copies to each supervisee, posting on all bulletin boards, hold workshops to train supervisees, and require all contractors to do the same. Beginning today any time anyone who falls under this DE-regulation encounters a form or document that he, she, or they/them (strike They/Them since DEI is not permitted under Department of Efficiency Department guiDElines) finds to be unnecessary they are required to fill out a form 401-3.14F, in quadruplicate, detailing what the original intent of the form or document was, why it may no longer be necessary, and what, if any, action other than eliminating that form or document should be taken. A standing committee of 14 supervisors and one Extremely Upper Management (EUM) director shall review the form or document, the recommendation, and disseminate a decision within six months. A document detailing the decision process and communicating the decision shall be distributed to all impacted personnel and recorded in the newly established Journal of Former Forms and Documents Journal (JFFDJ) which will be updated and distributed government-wide every six weeks. Appeals to overturn such decisions must be made at least four months prior to the decision being made.
Back when I was a smartass at the 6903rd Electronic Security Group in Osan Korea, a unit also known as Skivvy Nine, I had a writing gig for the unit’s newspaper, the Morning Calm. I wrote an incredible story about our unit’s visit to the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) and a few satirical pieces similar to what you just read above. One was about how our commander had decided that using blank rounds during war games cost too much compared to using live rounds, so, starting with the next major exercise we’d be using live rounds instead of blanks. Another, a parody of the Paperwork Reduction Act, was quite funny. The problem was, people reading it thought it was real! I had done such a good job with military / government gobbledygook that it seemed like a typical ridiculous new rule.
When I became an instructor at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey California I was handed a tape recorder/player and stacks of cassette tapes that my students would be using in their 47-week Korean Basic course. A few weeks into the job I noticed that most of my students were using little portable Japanese-made cassette players instead of the government issued ones. I asked one of the students why and she said “Those things are garbage!” I tried using mine and she was right. It turns out we were living under a Reagan-era rule that required agencies to give preference to “Made in the USA” products. The USA tape machines the students were issued cost twice as much as the Japanese model and mangled the tapes if they worked at all. I filled out a “Fraud, Waste and Abuse” report and a year later was notified that Made in USA trumped Fraud, Waste and Abuse.
With just days before ushering in 2025 and a second Trump presidency we’re about to see a new attempt to reign in government spending by a task force known as the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), headed up by Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk. Promising that the organization would be dismantled by July 4th, 2026 (our nation’s 250th anniversary), with a goal of reducing government spending by $2 Trillion by eliminating unnecessary regulations and the personnel/systems enforcing them, cutting the number of government agencies from 400 to 100 and government employees by 75%, Musk recently invited people to join his DOGE team if they’re willing to work 80 hours a week for no pay. Congressional Republicans have joined the movement, establishing a House DOGE subcommittee headed by Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene and a Senate Caucus headed by Senator Joni Ernst. Locally Congressman Ro Khanna indicated his willingness to look at ways to reduce military spending as part of the effort. Senator Bernie Sanders also weighed in, saying “The Pentagon just failed its 7th audit in a row. It lost track of billions!”
I’m sure there are many ways to trim government regulations without endangering anyone. What could go wrong? I do have one smartass idea. Since Musk is asking people to work 80 hours a week with no pay, he can save the money Trump is going to spend deporting millions of immigrants and put them to work for DOGE instead! They already work hard for nearly nothing. Happy New Year!